WINNING
IS EVERYTHING
Why can't athletes behave? The prime obstacle, according to
sports psychologists, is the win-at-all-cost attitude many parents
and coaches—and our culture, in general—instill in kids. Even
adults who try to teach kids that "It's how you play the game
that matters" are hard-pressed to compete with advertisements
that tell youngsters winning is everything. Take the sneaker
advertisement that ran during the Atlanta Olympics: "You
Don't Win Silver. You Lose Gold."
Good sportsmanship—playing by the rules, respecting opponents
and officials, and exalting hard work over outcome—is "one
of the most important life lessons," says Judy Dixon, who
teaches tennis at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst and
runs tennis camps for children. "Most of us go through life
not being what society calls 'winners.' You need to teach kids
that it's okay to lose. Everyone has a place where they excel, and
it isn't necessarily sports ."
What can parents and coaches do to instill notions of fair play
and good sportsmanship in children? Plenty, say sports
psychologists. Here's some advice from four experts to whom we
spoke.
SOUL-SEARCHING
Parents should start with some "personal
introspection," says Karen Partlow, national director of the
American Sport Education Program, in Champaign, Illinois.
"Ask yourself what you want your child to learn through
playing sports . Do you want your child to be rich and famous or a
good person?"
Of course, those things aren't mutually exclusive. But if Mom
is pushing Junior to win, win, win so that he can get a college
scholarship or break into the pro ranks (both extremely unlikely),
chances are that some fair-play precepts may get lost along the
way.
Partlow suggests parents embrace healthy and attainable goals
for their children's participation in sports , such as developing
new skills, learning to get along with others, and dealing with
the emotions that come with winning and losing. Once you have
determined your goals, help your children set attainable goals,
such as learning a new play, giving their all in practice and
games, and controlling their anger after bad calls or mistakes.
START
YOUNG
Experts agree that kids should be taught good sportsmanship as
soon as they begin playing in a sports program. This way, being a
good sport becomes a natural part of their behavior. "Even
when children are toddlers, you can begin to talk about
consideration, respect, and fairness," says Dr. Michael
Simon, a sports psychology consultant in New York City. "As
your kids become older and more observant, ask them to give
examples of behavior that reflect these concepts. If they can't,
help them think of some." For instance, Simon adds,
"when an opponent gets injured during a game, it's a sign of
respect and consideration to clap for him when he gets up to leave
the game."
BE
A GOOD ROLE MODEL
Children model the behavior of adults they admire, and parents
are generally No. 1 on that list. So make sure your own
sportsmanship is impeccable. Don't just cheer for the home team.
Show your appreciation when the opposing team makes a good play.
After the game, whether your child's team has won or lost,
congratulate the opposing team for playing well, and shake hands
with the coach. If a call goes in favor of your child's team but
you see the call was wrong, speak up. And never, ever say anything
derogatory about a coach or player; kids learn to criticize from
adults.
STANDARDS
AND CONSEQUENCES
Set clear standards of behavior and enforce them with a system
of consequences. "If your child misbehaves and the coach
doesn't acknowledge his behavior, talk to the coach in private
later," says Alan Goldberg, a sports psychologist in Amherst,
Massachusetts. "Let the coach know that your child's behavior
on the field is not acceptable."
Regardless of what the coach does, you are ultimately
responsible for teaching your child good sportsmanship. After the
game, talk to your child about his behavior and, if appropriate,
punish him. If your child is really misbehaving on the field,
perhaps you should bench him for a future game.
Dallas Cowboy star quarterback Troy Aikman was once given a
not-so-private lecture by his mother after he yelled at his coach
during a Little League game. Troy had objected to the coach
putting in a player who Troy did not think was very good.
"When I yelled at Troy, it definitely made an
impression," recalls Charlyn Aikman. "I wanted him to
consider the feelings of others. To this day, Troy respects other
players, as long as they try their hardest."
IT'S
HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME
Experts agree that parents , coaches, and kids should define
success as trying your hardest, not by wins and losses. Indeed,
"when a young athlete equates his self-worth with winning,
it's a losing proposition," says Partlow.
"A parent 's reaction to winning or losing is really
key," says Dixon. "When your child comes home after a
game, don't just ask, 'Did you win?' Instead, ask your child, 'Did
you have fun? What did you learn? How did you play? How did the
team play? What did you do well? What could you have done better?'
"
TEACH
YOUR CHILD TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
When your child loses, don't blame the officiating, the
weather, faulty equipment, teammates, or some other factor.
Parents should help children "accurately assess their
performance, to acknowledge and take responsibility for it,"
says Partlow. It's also important to acknowledge superior skill in
other players.
Of course, there will be times when referees and officials miss
a call. Remind your child that the officials are doing the best
they can and that missed calls are just part of the game—and of
life.
DISCUSS
WHAT YOU SEE
When watching sports events with your children, take advantage
of the opportunities to discuss what you see. "Whether a
player is arguing a bad call, kicking dirt, or simply cursing
another player, the parent has a wonderful opportunity to talk
about the situation, who is right and wrong, and how the problem
could have been resolved without the negative type of
behavior," says Simon.
Likewise, there are a lot of good sports out there, so point
out examples of good sportsmanship, such as the player who gives a
helping hand to an opponent who has fallen down or a player
cooling down a teammate who has lost his temper.
UNCONDITIONAL
LOVE
Above all, says Partlow, to build good sportsmanship "
parents must demonstrate unconditional love for their children,
and coaches must demonstrate unconditional respect for their
athletes. They should say, 'Regardless of how you played tonight,
that doesn't change how I feel about you as my son or daughter or
my athlete.' "
With proper nurturing by parents and coaches, good
sportsmanship can be saved.
ACTIVE
WATCHING: Use spectator sports to teach sportsmanship
Whether you're watching a youth soccer game or viewing the
world series on TV, you can use what you see to discuss
appropriate behavior. Here are some ideas to get started:
